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Huwebes, Abril 17, 2014

5 Anime Opening Songs Apparently Conceived on Testosterone

I'm back again. It's not long ago since the last post, but whatever. I'm posting to celebrate my 17th birthday. And you have to deal with it.

Now this is what's on the menu today: what's on my playlist. To tell the truth, I'm not the biggest fan of music, and I don't think I can actually appreciate much of it. When in my classroom someone'd whip out a guitar and gather my classmates to sing some new pop song from some mediocre band of "pretty boys" I'm usually the only one who has never heard of that. I am not really good at keeping up with society, huh?

Well at least I know "What Does the Fox Say?". It's a social dissertation, I think, a commentary on the state of mankind as we see it today. A rather poignant thesis, I can safely venture--as it explores the nature of the human mind: to perceive the unknowns, and question the knowns. It posits different possibilities as to the sound of the mystical creature in question.

Does it say: "Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!

Or, "Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow!

Or, maybe, it says: "Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho!

These are erudite suppositions, but unfortunately, not of them got it right. The sound that the red fox--the one prominently referred to in one of the song's verses--is a bloodcurdling scream that more or less translates to "SOOOOOOOOOOULLLLLLLSSSSS!"

And, actually, the song is titled "The Fox." And it's already stale as far as my friends are concerned. See? I'm such a hermit I have probably evolved into a wizard.

Like, you know, Gandalf Dumbledore here.
But let's leave that point at that. Let's get to the point.


In my previous post I ranted about my observations on anime, things about like the annoying weeaboos (or "otaku") and the batshit insane animegao stuff and all. This time, I assure there won't be rants, only love. 

And epic anime openings. THIS IS WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

You see, I'm not a fan of either Western music or even OPM. I guess it's not really my cup of tea--even if you say I don't value the nation's native art. It's just that it's not to my taste, not that I think it's bad.

What I like most are hardcore J-Pop anime themes whose lyrics I don't even understand. But they're glorious as fuck--what with all those kick-ass shit that would've detonated testosterone-sacs so massive they generate their own gravitational pull. If that's the case, you'd agree language barriers are just some inconsequential hindrances to conveying full-blown awesomeness between cultures, would you not?

Below here are the five ones I liked most--the ones I considered the most badass of all the openings I've seen so far.


This opening starts rather low-key, with a young Van Hohenheim holding out his hands, probably to check his newly manicured fingers. There are a few leaves flying around, Trisha Elric smiles because she probably thinks flying leaves are fucking hilarious or she's just reassuring Hohenheim that his fingers are colored the most beautiful shade of gay (there are 50). Stuff happens, a door is closed, Hohenheim gets glasses, and then there's FIIIIIIIIIRE.

That last part is really profound, because, as the camera shows as it pans up, it's the protagonists' house being burned--something they did on purpose to mask the memory of their yesterday and so that they can settle down again in their hometown--to forget the abominable crime they committed in the past that caused Ed an arm and a leg (literally) and Al his own physical body (more on that later). . . somehow reminiscent of the Greek mythological character Icarus, who, in his pride that lured him into violating the boundaries by flying to close to the sun--paid dearly for it as the wax binding his wings melted and brought him down to the ground. Now that's so fucking deep symbolism, even if it's just I who expounded on that allusion.

Speaking of symbolism, come 0:49 the opening begins a crescendo for the badass. A montage briefly shows the massive prices Edward, Alphonse, and Winry paid for ever trying human transmutation: a young Ed with a look of fear on his face as Truth claims his arm and his leg; Al's final scream cut off as he is torn into shreds and his corporeal form dissipates into nothingness . . .

. . . and Winry losing her balance from a hangover. Now that's so symbolic.

Badass shit continues to happen as Gluttony vomits out Envy who in turn vomits out Lust. Basically, it's a homunculus regurgitating a homunculus regurgitating a homunculus.

Which culminates in an obligatory Xzibit picture.
Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye feature their pure badassitude for a second each, and then you can see Hitler on top of a rampart. Well of course it's not Hitler, but he's called the Fuhrer, so that makes him Hitler in my book.

There's an epic bridge battle that follows, with explosions courtesy of that obese guy pouncing on Ed with a beautifully expressed rape face. Ed showcases his mastery of earthbending and le parkour and owns Gluttony with a big fat stone pillar to his big fat guts.

Heh heh. Hitler.


There's something I don't understand about anime opening/ending sequences. Oftentimes, the characters of the series would be found running toward nowhere as the credits roll.

"Why the fuck are we running?"
"Shhh. Trust me."


Okay, Maka's walking. But it still qualifies.

And D. Gray Man's fourth opening somehow qualifies for that, though young Allen Walker's actually running towards the camera, unlike the running-in-profile shtick of the above examples. 

The opening's first lyrics play with the Millennium Earl's trademark "HIDE-YO-KIDS-HIDE-YO-WIFE" face, which is so creepy you can actually sue it. The show's resident bishoujo Yu Kanda appears with her super-epic swords that also somehow double as wings as she chops down a giant child molester with pure, unadulterated justice.

Giant walking piles of nope.
A montage of the antagonists, called the Noah, follows, and then proceeds to show an army clearly headed by some guy with a toothbrush mustache who is definitely not Hitler.

This guy is "Malcolm Levrier." *smirks and rolls eyes*

Cross Marian appears with his gun, an old guy does . . . er, things . . . and some blond chick sends out her Pokemon to battle, while another guy goes on ripping the enemies with his super epic electric fan.

And then more badass shit happens as Dracula . . . er, Arystar Krory (definitely not ripped off of Aleister Crowley) does a shining fist bump with villain Jasdevi.

Then an exorcist appears showing us just how earthbending's done (why are there so many earthbenders in anime?) and then Lenalee cries. I don't know, maybe because she lost all that hair fighting Eshi. Heh. Girls.

And then, briefly, you get a glimpse of the black Giant Akuma and a white . . . thing. And the white apparently is prevailing against the black things.

. . . wait a minute, Japan--is this racism I smell? Because I won't tolerate racism, you chinky-eyed yellowbags.

The opening climaxes in an epic battle between the Earl and Allen, to the tune of fairly mangled English pronunciation of the word "again," making it sound as if the singer's repeatedly saying "a gay."

"Level one! Don't wanna go out--a gay! Kokoro no instrument!
Level one! Don't wanna go out--a gay! You guys are gay~
Level one! Don't wanna go out--a gay!"




For a good while, this epic badass of an opening was my favorite, until I heard Shingeki no Kyojin/Attack on Titan's "Feuerotter Pfeil und Bogen" (more on that later), because of the way it mixes a somewhat eerie atmosphere with an intro that takes you by storm. You briefly see Grim Reaper gesturing like a traffic enforcer on meth, then arc villain Medusa Gorgon shows her moves in da hood, and then you see Excalibur . . . being Excalibur.

Fuck Excalibur.

Pure abomination.
And then you also get to see Blair jumping on screen in her birthday suit (cue nosebleed from Soul and a disgusted Maka). Afterwards, Frankenstein (or Franken Stein, actually) also appears with a charming rape face (yet again another one) and then there's Crona.

Fuck Crona, too.

Then, Maka reappears in the chorus futilely resisting an imminent tentacle scenario (because anime) and then Black*Star hurls Tsubaki like a shuriken because she's actually a shuriken (it makes sense in context). For a second, Satan pops up wearing a suit as he stares into your soul, then things happen, Soul finally transforms into a scythe and Maka finishes the Kishin (read: throbbing mass of pure nope) with a big-ass super move. Which actually isn't how the anime went down. (SPOILAH: Maka defeats the Kishin with a straightforward fist to the face because the fucker can't understand courage. BOoOoOoOoOhHhRing).


Why do I have two entries from Fullmetal Alchemist?

Because this is my blog. And I am God here.

Needless to say, among FMAB's four opening themes, this is indubitably my favorite. The way it plays with symbolism is very good, and also, because the action scenes depicted herein packs frame-by-frame testosterone overload.

It begins with Edward lying in a field of fragile white flowers under the rain, because apparently he's in his emo goth teen phase. Then the homunculi appear (apparently watching him because they're big fans of FMA and they want Ed's autograph), but for some reason they beat him up, possibly because they wanted to scold him for staying out in the rain like the stubborn pipsqueak that he is.

Then another rape face, and then a guy who's definitely not an Islamic parallel walks with a face that basically says "Fuck you. Fuck you all from the bottom of my heart."

Heard u been talkin shit.
Then Hitler . . . er, I mean, Fuhrer King Bradley, appears on his rampart again, overlooking the Roy Mustang and Maes Hughes like some kind of cliched villain. Afterwards, you Envy and Al appears fighting, while Ed sits up in fear on the ground because he's a total wimp. Pipsqueak.

This is sooooo me and my dog.

Kimblee appears amidst the fires, advertising his new contraceptive pill.

Kimblee knows you're being naughty.
God also appears in passing before the chorus, with his eyes judging the whole shit out of you.

The action sequences in the chorus speak for themselves: they're made out of pure badassery. Shit goes down, shit explodes, and then Ed gets eaten by a Titan.

Cue tentacle joke.

And guess what? In the end all of it is actually just Ed's imagination on drugs. But what an epic imagination he had.


Before I go on to describe this last entry, let us allow the good people of Tumblr condense it into a teeny weeny nutshell.

You are first treated to a glimpse of Wall Maria's symbol, seconds before it explodes in your face right after the line "Seid ihr das Essen? Nein, wir sind der Jager!"

The protagonists appear in an oh-so-heroic formation over a field littered with flags and 3D maneuver gears of the Survey Corps. Then the fucking Titans show their whore faces in front of the battered camera, smiling derisively at your losses because fuck you they're Titans.

Soon after that you see Eren and company faithfully observing the flag ceremony, because patriotism should never die even in the case of a Titan apocalypse. 

The Colossal Titan is audacious enough to show you its much-more-whorey face, because the big fucker is 60 meters tall--just about the size of your mom's ass. Then a praying mantis can be seen, then another Titan while Wall Maria shatters and Eren suddenly realizes that he's high as fuck again.

That's Japanese for "Well, fuck this shit!"
Again, this opening takes the cake for the one that starts off catchy and crescendoes into hot smoking justice, never letting go till the end until you end up breaking YouTube's replay button. You get to see 3DMG in action, and then Eren claims his only Titan kill as a Survey Corps member in the anime (trust me, he's practically useless as a human soldier).

Afterwards, you can see the soldiers raining down democracy on those border-crossing illegal migrants . . . er, Titans, and then finishes off with a nearly-literal rain of soldiers thrown like bird seeds outside the walls, to the sinister tune of "Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Potato Pizza!"

Special Mention: Jean's epic backflip. 'Nuff said.

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